Commuting Chimpanzees..............

Last evening I watched an interesting "scientific" programme on BBC2. It was called "Chimps are People too". Its presenter Danny Wallace set out to show that as humans and chimps share 99.4 % of their genetic make up, they are too close to treat differently- hence Chimps are people too !?

For the record, I disagree. However it was amusing to see the reactions of some "eminent" scientists as he lobbied for this view at a scientific reception. Some entered into philosophical debate while a few fundamentalist type scientists reacted in horror to this attack on "classification" and scientific principles.

There were some more sympathetic scientists and the majority of the film was spent with them. He also visited some trained chimps near Hollywood where there were some dark allegations of cruelty in the training methods.

Most interesting was a near cousin of the chimps, the bonobos, which were looked after by a female scientist near Atlanta Georgia. The most able of these were able to cook themselves a pot noodle using a saucepan and gas burners. They had also been trained to use a special computer so could actually have a short "conversation" with Danny Wallace using this.

These are clearly very intelligent animals but not humans. Genetically they are only 0.6% different from us but that is an important 0.6%. One geneticist said the disappearance of a particular gene had allowed the human skull to expand mean its brain was 3 times bigger than a chimp. Chimps have some form of language but it is not as rich as ours.

However the ultimate evidence again human status seemed to be their attitude to each other. While they were able to cooperate for mutual benefit and in an experiment one chimp unlocked another chimp to help with a rope that pulled in bananas, the same chimp did not release the other chimp when he could get the bananas independently.

In short Chimps are not human because they have no moral concern for the welfare of fellow chimps (apart from their own offspring). A chimp will quite happily eat 2 bananas in full view of another chimp that it could unlock and share with. Although appealing in many ways, Chimps are ultimately selfish and cooperate only when there is an obvious gain from doing so. Chimps are not kind and do not practise altruism.

I was happy with this conclusion until I got to the train this morning. Then I witnessed the usual free for all as the doors opened and people rushed for seats. Suddenly I realised the programme could have had the wrong approach. While it said "Chimps are People too", a short commute in London would raise the possibility "People are Chimps too"?!

These chimps read newspapers and listen to I-pods but they are grimly happy to sit while others stand. They push each other out of the way to get out of the train. Occasionally an alpha male cries out in anger when someone invades his space too much.These chimps, like all chimps, can cope with automatic ticket barriers but as commuting chimps no one is bothered about the others and hardly anyone looks at or speaks to each other.

Railway worker chimps man (or "chimp"?) the barriers at the station and grunt as they let someone whose ticket doesn't work, through the barrier.London can make us all chimps sometimes but then someone falls over and a few of us rediscover our humanity as we try and help.In a way our daily commutes are little more than learned exercises that could easily be done by Chimpanzees. Maybe some of our jobs could be performed by Chimps too? (I've certainly met a couple working as real estate agents before !)

London, like most big cities, can be hard and uncaring sometimes. We loose something of our humanity and forget about others. To the visitor it can be daunting. I remember how a New Zealand colleague in my previous job said how on his first visit to London it took him 15 minutes to get out of Oxford Circus underground station because he had never moved in such a crowded confined space before. The local chimps were obviously oblivious to the visitor's plight and kept on moving as a fast flowing torrent, with the newcomer sticking close to the walls of the station.

Now I certainly believe that none of us are really chimps even if sometimes we act like it. However the next time you commute, try to remember that you are 0.6% different from a chimpanzee. And it's rude not to share your bananas with hungry neighbours !

Corporate Thought Police

"Now what I want to know is who the other 8 percent are?"

My colleague, a father of two and long time resident of the South London suburbs and Essex-born, laughs at the possibilities his statement raises.

We are talking about "diversity". To a simple soul like me diversity used to mean "variety". Someone could have "diverse interests" meaning they had many hobbies and participated in many activities. "Bio-diversity" could be found in a rain forest with many exotic species of parrot or plants. Diversity in these cases is an accident of nature or the choice a "renaissance man".

However increasingly in corporations "Diversity" (with a capital D) is becoming a requirement to "tick the box" and show that the particular corporation "cares" or has "corporate social responsibility".
Diversity now is all about the requirement to have "x" percentage of ethnic minorities, "x" percentage of gays etc etc.

This is ironic, as most people from communists all the way to arch-Monetarists will agree that the only "purpose" of a corporation is to generate profits for its shareholders. A corporation is not there to care or change the world unless of course being seen to "care" or change the world helps its profits in some way.

Technically I do not work for a corporation but for a partnership. However in a way the partners are shareholders and the aim is to generate profits for them just the same.

So, back to my colleague and the 8 percent…. We were having a Friday afternoon discussion about diversity. It had been sparked by one of the managers responsible for purchasing telling me he had had an enquiry from a Partner about whether we enquire with our suppliers with regard to their policy on anti-discrimination on the grounds of "sexual orientation".

The answer at the moment is "no". We do not ask a computer company- what are the prices of your computers and more to the point what is your anti-discrimination policy for gays?! However corporations are increasingly asking each other about their diversity policies, before they will do business with one another.

I had located a survey on our intranet that claimed 92 % of our employees were heterosexual. This information had allegedly been obtained by a survey. Quite how this information is supposed to benefit the Partnership is a mystery to me, but it did raise the question in my colleague's mind- "who are the 8 percent?". I doubt the discussion of this question was the purpose of the survey !

So why is this happening? Why are corporations suddenly concerned about how many gays work for them and how they can prove they have an anti-discrimination policy in place ?

"Diversity" is to be distinguished from the legislation that came to the UK in the 1970s against racial and sexual discrimination. This was government legislation designed to prevent discrimination against two groups seen as being at a disadvantage in the British workplace. Corporations were required to comply with this.

"Diversity" goes far beyond this. In many ways an inclusive approach by corporations can be welcomed. As the early pioneers of Diversity often pointed out, it is in the best interests of the corporation that their work force at all levels reflects the make up of their customers.

However when it comes to less obvious characteristics such as sexual orientation, I would question what an earth a corporation is doing spending a lot of time and resources ensuring that minorities are both identified and promoted ?

I am aware of little if any gay-discrimination in the context of an office- especially in London. I also fail to see the benefit of identifying gays in the workforce and ensuring their numbers are built up to an "acceptable" level.

This is largely a product of the tide of political correctness that started in some local authorities in the 1980s and the resulting "Diversity industry" as "PC" goes corporate.

I previously worked for an American mega-corp that had an established Diversity policy which made all the right noises but in reality achieved little. My impression there was that the Diversity department was a safe haven for the work shy who wanted an easy life but still to get some level of promotion within the company. There were various initiatives including a Gay and Lesbian car which predictably became the butt of some jokes from less enlightened colleagues.

Since then, a friend working for a leading global banking corporation has informed me of a more aggressive brand of "Diversity". "Champions" for women, ethnic minorities, older workers and gays have been required from each department. The failure to find a "gay champion" within my friend's department lead to a serious email from management stressing the importance of the initiative. Eventually a straight member of staff was press-ganged into taking that role.

Later, someone was pulled up for referring to the "disabled toilets". It should have been "enabled facilities". This highlights the point at which an anti-discrimination policy turns into thought policing.

In a sense, corporate work-places represent the ideal environment for thought police. No one wants to get too out of line for fear of their pay rise, promotion and ultimately job prospects.

Staff with limited ability, who would not have made it elsewhere in a corporation, take leading roles in the Diversity department. They lack the intellect to debate these points with so it is a question of obey or be marked as a trouble maker. Therefore disabled toilets must become "enabled facilities". The majority must look on passively as a "gay champion" is nominated without any desire or enthusiasm from members of staff or all orientations.

Furthermore, corporations begin to sponsor gay carnivals and similar events. The bank my friend works for is sponsoring some "gay hero" awards as well as carnival floats in the UK gay capital of Brighton.

This does not seem to help anyone in my opinion but ultimately leads to resentment from the majority that there is not such a fuss made of the straight, the white or the males.

I am not writing in support of discrimation. However I do write against "Diversity" in its aggressive corporate forms. People go to work to earn a salary. The majority do not even want to fill out a form saying if they are gay or straight, so that some middle manager can compile statistics. Least of all, no one likes being told what to say or think. Of course people should be civil and polite to their co-workers but correcting grown adults as they make a passing reference to disabled toilets?! Where will it all ends?

Recently some firemen from Newcastle in the North of England were disciplined for refusing to attend a gay-pride event because as family men they felt uncomfortable. "Conservative" councillors in Greenwich, London held a gay-only surgery. I fail to see how fire safety or local council problems are different for gays.

Now in corporations up and down the UK, politically correct enforcers are promoting their views to the captive audience of staff afraid for their jobs.

Some political correctness is ultimately contradictory. Back to the bank again, which promotes both "gay heroes" and "shariah mortgages" for muslim customers. I think the non-entities who work in the Diversity Department completely fail to see the irony of promoting "gay heroes" and shariah law at the same time. That makes these people even more zealous and dangerous in that their often limited abilities means they fail to see any wider context or history for the views they promote.

Anyway, this is all at an early stage where I work but if things continue as they are I fear it is only a matter of time before gay champions are requested, we are told what to think and the thought police come knocking.


Wake up, UK Inc, you are there to earn money for your shareholders! Somehow you got into this strange competition to prove who was the most "Diverse". It is going too far and getting too out of touch with the general population. Look at those who work in the Diversity Departments. Do you see your most able employees in there? I doubt it. Well cut the rest of us some slack. Treat us like adults and allow us to speak and think as we do outside work. As for gay heroes, there are plenty of wealthy private citizens who would be more than happy to sponsor them! It's not the place of a bank to do that. Finally, make your Diversity policy consistent. Gay heroes and shariah law? I don't think so. Don't take my word for it- ask the Taliban if they have a Village People album?!

Monday morning therapy !

Aahhhhhgggg- it's nearly Monday morning. Well I felt like that in my last job anyway.

Still for those of you looking for a brief distraction I can recommend uploading a photo of yourself into this website where using the latest face recognition technology (allegedly) they will come up with the celebrity faces most like your own.

http://www.myheritage.com/

In my case they seem quite a range:

Steve Buscemi (actor)
Rowan Atkinson (actor- well Mr. Bean- great !)
Ashlee Simpson- a flattering if unexpected comparison !
Alexander Lukashenko- Dictator of Bylorussia !
Travis Tritt- aging rocker
Raoul Bova- Italian actor !
Joshua Jackson- former Dawson's Creek hunk
Harold Wilson- former British Prime Minister

Conclusion: Concerned about Mr. Bean and Alexander Lukashenko. The other chaps I've hardly heard of. My genes definitely come out better in female form :-) I'll never look at Ashlee Simpson in the same way again :-)

Allegiance and Duty Betrayed

I was honoured this week to have my earlier thoughts on the Amish people in the aftermath of the School room tragedy, included in a US blog- "Allegiance and Duty Betrayed".

It is a political blog but I can recommend it as an interesting read for anyone with a political interest that wants an American view beyond the "Washington Beltway".

Thank you to Joanie for including my thoughts on her blog.

http://allegianceanddutybetrayed.blogspot.com/

Prince Philip Gaffe Log !

For a bit of light relief I recommend reading a few of the choice comments of HRH Prince Philip- husband of the Queen !!!!

"I am actually a large piece of cheese". (1953)
To Francesco De Burgemile, upon hearing of her whimsy of gullibility.
"Where did you get that hat?" (1953)
To his wife, the Queen, immediately after her coronation
"The only active sport I will follow is polo - and most of the work is done by the pony". (1965)
"British women can't cook". (1966)
"The bastards murdered half my family." (1967)
When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union
"What do you gargle with - pebbles?" (1969)
Said to Tom Jones after the The Royal Variety Performance
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed". (1981)
Said during the 1981 recession
"You must be out of your minds". (1982)
To Solomon Islanders on being told that their population growth was 5% a year
"You are a woman, aren't you?" (1984)
Said in Kenya to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift.
"If you stay here much longer, you'll all get slitty-eyed". (1986)
Said to British students in China
"If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it". (1986)
Said at a World Wildlife Fund meeting
"Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world." (1991)
Said in Thailand after accepting a conservation award
"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly". (1993)
Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary
"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (1994)
Said to an islander in the Cayman Islands
"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (1995)
Said to a driving instructor in Scotland
"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (1996)
Said amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting
"Bloody silly fool!" (1997)
Referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him
"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (1998)
Said to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea
"It looks like it was put in by Indians". (1999)
Said after he saw a poorly constructed fusebox
"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (1999)
Said to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band
"Oh! You are the people ruining the rivers and the enviroment". (1999)
Said when he met three young employees of a Scottish fish farm
"Oh, it's you that owns that ghastly car - we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle." (2001)
Talking to Elton John after he told Prince Philip that he had sold his gold Aston Martin
"Do you still throw spears at each other?" (2002)
To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park
"You were playing your instruments, weren't you? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?" (2002)
Said to a children's band in Australia
"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (2002)
Said to a blind woman with a guide dog
"If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly". (2002)
Commenting during the Jubilee tour
"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion." (2002)
Commenting on the London traffic debate after mayor Ken Livingstone launched his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city
"French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast." (2002)
Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy)
"It is surprising the way things have changed since I first became chancellor of a university 50 years ago." (2003)
Source: Opening a new research centre at the University of York
The statement was widely misrepresented as referring to the University of York itself, rather than the University of Edinburgh, of which Prince Philip is Chancellor. (The York Chancellor at the time was Janet Baker, and the university was celebrating its fortieth anniversary.)
"It doesn't look like much work goes on at this University". (2005)
Overheard at Bristol University's BLADE (Bristol Laboratory for Advanced Dynamic Engineering) facility, which had been closed in order that he and the Queen could officially open it
"You look like you're ready for bed! "
Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes
"Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo. "
When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances
"If people feel it has no further part to play, then for goodness sake, let's end the thing on amicable terms without having a row about it."
On sentiment against the British monarchy
"If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!"
Edinburgh: "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?"Lord Taylor: "I'm from Birmingham". (1999)
An exchange with Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black
"Shut up woman, otherwise I'll turn you out of the car!"
Said to the Queen in the presence of Countess Mountbatten of Burma whilst Prince Philip was driving at high speed through Windsor great park and the Queen insisted he slowed down - Gyles Brandreth's Philip and Elizabeth
"Brazilians live there"
Prince Philip on the "key problem" facing Brazil
"Do we need ear plugs?"
At the Royal Premiere of the James Bond film Die Another Day, on being told that Madonna sung the theme song.



MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY :-)

Pennsylvanian Values

Last year I had the privilege to visit rural Pennsylvania during my previous job.
I flew to Baltimore from London and then drove to visit the factory of the company I worked for in Hanover, Pennsylvania.

Hanover may be an unremarkable small town in the US, but if it is representative of Pennsylvania as a whole I think there is much to be positive about:

1) Feeling of space- countryside all around
2) Despite being quite a small town it had good shops (by English standards at least!)- a "Golden Mile" of stores and diners. Good prices compared to London.
3) Warm friendly people- definitely not used to that in London!
4) Great customer service- people more than happy to help and friendly with it too. Compare that to the grumpy "jobs worth" approach in many an English restaurant or café.
5) Strong emphasis on the family- "Hanoverians" seem to have a lot of kids compared to this side of the pond.
6) Feeling of community- strong local churches and other organisations. Hanover really felt a "Christian town" compared to anywhere in Britain or Europe.
7) Some quaint practises- like an Italian restaurant with no liquor licence!

As a visitor, Hanover felt like a nice town to live in and grow up. There was still a sense of innocence there. Maybe I had rose tinted spectacles on and in reality people get bored and move away.
However at this time when Pennsylvania is in the news for a tragic reason, I just wanted to salute that State for its good things. Small town America is very different from the America we see in the media. In an age when the world seems against America it is well to remember the good things and good people in towns like Hanover and states like Pennsylvania.

The simple dignity and humbling forgiveness of the Amish People

http://edition.cnn.com/2006/US/10/04/amish.shooting/index.html?section=edition

Whoever hears of the story of the school room massacre of 5 Amish girls, is surely not only struck by the tragedy but also by the forgiveness of the Amish people which seems simply astounding.

I know little about the Amish and the bit I do mainly comes from the film "Witness" staring Harrison Ford. In that film a young Amish boy witnesses a brutal murder and is hunted by those behind the murder. Harrison Ford's character, a policeman, knows too much about the murky circumstances and after helping the boy to safety is forced to seek sanctuary with the Amish.

The Amish come across in the film as a strong and stoical people but also profoundly good. They reject the modern world and live without cars and electricity. There is nothing threatening about this rejection. It is a choice and their lives do not suffer as the result of such decisions. They simply want to live away from the modern influences of the world, in accordance to their beliefs.

Yet they accept the world around them and do not seek to spread their lifestyle. They are no Christian taleban seeking to impose on others. Above all they want nothing more than to be left alone to get on with their lives.
It is so sad, therefore, that a maniac sought to show them the very worst side of the modern world. Yet the compassion of the Amish to the wife and family of the killer shows the true nature of these people.

They believe that it is not their place to judge others- judgement can come only from God. "Judge not for ye shall be judged".

The Amish are an inspiration even if their morality and forgiveness sets a standard few of us in the wider world could meet. They live in a world without cars, electricity and few other modern conveniences. Yet their sense of community and strength of spirit shows a richness rarely found elsewhere.In a sense they are the ultimate environmentalists, leaving hardly any "carbon footprint" in their natural lives. However their education is strong- the class that were massacred were learning German, the language of their forefathers. Compare that to the rest of the US and the Anglo-Saxon world that is mainly linguistically illiterate.

The Amish have known persecution in their history. Now their separateness and distinctive dress make them an object of curiosity in the modern world.
Yes in this great metropolis of London amid the bustle and chaos of urban life, where only this week railway ticket collectors attempted to throttle a fare-evading passenger, I believe we could all benefit from being a little closer to the lifestyle, values and beliefs of those Amish people in rural Pennsylvania. Maybe their separateness and decision to stay off the roller-coaster of modern life gives them a sense of balance and perspective that we are missing. They are unaffected by the soap opera of politics and celebrity and adhere to timeless values. Above all they are true to their beliefs. I find them a humbling inspiration.

God bless the Amish people.

http://www.800padutch.com/amish.shtml Link to website maintained by friends of the Amish people in Pennsylvania.

Brutal Kings

This story seems strikes me as surprisingly disturbing. After all they are "just animals" but that lions have somehow "learned" to attack elephants, just doesn't seem right..........

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-2386134.html

South Park Smug Alert

Details of my all time favourite "South Park" episode. The smug alert I referred to in my previous post plus George Clooney's infamous Oscar acceptance speech.

http://www.ecorazzi.com/?p=221 (Clip)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fMcB8uWG44E (full episode hosted on Youtube)

The ascent of Waitrose Man- keeping up with the "ethical" Jones's in the Twenty-First Century Supermarket.

http://conservativehome.blogs.com/torydiary/2006/09/does_cameron_ge.html

As David Cameron's new Conservatives hold their Conference in Bournemouth, he is keen to appeal to the "fashionable middle classes" (assuming that phrase isn't a contradiction in terms!). The key to electoral success is seen as winning the hearts and votes of those middle classes who both aspire to wealth but also care….. or at least care that they are seen to care.

This important electoral demographic has already been described (tongue in cheek) as the "waitrose voter". For my purposes I will refer to the more evolutionary correct variant as "Waitrose Man".
Being at the top of the evolutionary tree he obviously knows himself to be above such variants as Neanderthal Man or the more recent Mondeo Man. A look along any British High Street shows however that both species still flourish in large numbers!

Of course I jest. To be a Waitrose Man is not an accident of birth or evolution- it is a choice and apparently an increasingly popular choice.
Let me first describe the general characteristics of Waitrose and Waitrose Man before explaining my doubts about whether he does in fact represent the pinnacle of civilisation and caring social conscience that he would like to think he is.

Why Waitrose?

Waitrose Man takes his name from the UK supermarket chain of Waitrose. Waitrose remains one of the smallest UK supermarket chains with only around 4% of total market share (giant Tesco has 30 % with Sainsburys and Asda on approximately 15 % each). Nonetheless Waitrose is deceptive as a minnow. Its market share has been consistently growing for the last 5 years (no mean achievement in the hugely competitive UK market) and while other supermarkets often have to resort to price cuts to hold customer share, Waitrose manages to grow share while still charging more for nearly every line including necessities like bread, milk and bananas.
Waitrose in undoubtedly a strong brand name and builds its reputation on the basis of perceived "quality". In many cases it stocks some unusual items which due to rarity are expensive too. In one of the main London branches I once saw an "unusual" loaf of bread that cost £4. Of course that is an exception but even the normal lines usually cost a few pence more.

In recent years Waitrose has moved beyond selling good food and a few specialist lines to marketing itself in terms of aspirational lifestyle.

Waitrose has moved from being a small quality retailer focusing on the more leafy towns to being a badge of status to the metrosexuals, the vocal socially concerned, the Observer readers who also work for a big corporation, the food snobs and the West London wannabees. In 2005 the Waitrose Foundation was formed. This is the corporate social responsibility trumpet that they can blow themselves. It is all about special stickers on avocadoes and lemons that mean funds will be set aside for school (s?) and crèche in South Africa when these fruits are purchased.

Essentially Waitrose is trying to say to a certain section of the middle classes- "Come shop with us. Let us take away the guilt of your poor Volvo driving souls. Let us put balm on your conscience that you are wealthy and live in Windsor*, Putney* and Mill Hill* while others are poor and cannot. Ye workaholics of Canary Wharf*- it is ok. Ye workaholics and drinkers from the trendy bars of Balham*- buy your Chianti from us and even Hannibal Lecter can enjoy his fava beans and census taker's liver in peace. We know you feel guilty as you drive your 4x4s and polar bears drown in the melting ice flows but if you buy a lemon with a special sticker on you will be giving 10 pence to a school in South Africa- when your friends see that at the next dinner party you can look them straight in the eye". (*all locations of Waitrose stores)

What's more Waitrose is moving the supermarket beyond the realm of just shopping. It is now a place of leisure and dining too. One of the leading branches that I have been to at London's Canary Wharf contains a bar for freshly squeezed fruit juices, a sushi bar as well as a café which certainly doesn't offer the £1.99 breakfasts you could find in more proletarian supermarkets cafs. No- this is for people who know their coffee and want to luxuriate a minute while they read their Observer, all with a clear conscience that they are doing all the possibly can to help the world unlike those lesser mortals who shop elsewhere.

All this has brought Waitrose a long way since 1904 when Wallace Waite, Arthur Rose and David Taylor opened their first small grocery shop in Acton Hill, West London. Quite appropriate roots for the store that now represents the badge of middle class social snobbery borne originally in West London !

Who are the Waitrose Men (and women)?

I have already briefly described some of the characteristics that Waitrose Men possess as well as some as their more obvious habitats.

However let me also say that not every one who shops in Waitrose is "Waitrose Man". Many older Waitrose stores exist in polite but dull suburbs of "nice towns". These are often situated in geriatric ghettoes and mainly cater to the well-healed coffin-dodging community. These senior customers have little in common with the socially concerned workaholics or West London posers who shop at the newer stores.

So I will focus on describing a typical Waitrose Man (and woman). They are generally younger but not too young-broadly in their thirties but ranging between late 20s and early 50s. Despite what they may say to the contrary they are all middle class. If they are not middle class they are either lying or lost or both. (Britain is one of the few countries where some people much prefer to be seen as working class and will argue against any middle class title despite the presence of a BMW on their driveway). They are nearly all quite wealthy (relative to the rest of the country) and are either successful "salarymen" or a running their own business. They like to think of themselves as having a social conscience. This excludes the wealthy but genuinely ignorant who've never given a second thought to global warming, global poverty or AIDS. "Philistines" may shop at Waitrose but they will never be "Waitrose Men". Due to their social conscience they would like to think of themselves as politically moderate- not exclusively left of centre but certainly embarrassed by "loadsamoney" Toryism of yesteryear. A decade ago they would have been new Labour almost to a man but now are more scattered politically with "Cameroons" anxious to recruit them.

In terms of appearance they are generally rather self-consciously informal- particularly at weekends when shopping. It's all cargo pants, combat trousers and flip-flops for him- and largely the same for her too ! "Trendy" t-shirts abound. Che Guevara is probably a little too naff and obvious these days so maybe some Chinese characters, an unusual Canadian town or failing that some phrase in a hip foreign language such as Spanish.

Children are optional but where they exist they are treated like little emperors. Bulky "humvee" style push chairs clog the aisles laden with enough equipment for an Everest expedition. A copy of the Observer may be seen secured in the webbing at the back of the pushchair. There is a trend for 3 wheelers- my correspondent on the subject tells me a company called "Maxi-cosi" has a near monopoly on this market. Annoyingly the parents may be sipping coffees as they progress round the store- maybe Americano for him and skinny latte for her.
The other obvious characteristic is that at present they are pretty satisfied with life in general and themselves in particular.

What's Wrong with all this? What is my problem?

In writing about Waitrose man I am forced to admit that he possesses many positive characteristics. He is educated, thoughtful, aware of the wider-world and civilised. So what if he is a bit self-righteous and smug? Yes, sometimes he is a hypocrite too. He may sometimes ride a bike to the office but clogs the roads and pollutes excessively with his 4*4 on the school run.
He may buy organic eggs but smacks his fat lips as he chomps his way through the suchi sucked up unseen by industrial fishing vessels that decimate marine populations.
Yet he tries to do something positive while many others do nothing at all.
I think my main problem with Waitrose Man is he only makes a token effort and he makes such a lot of noise about that token effort. Just because he can afford it he doesn't mind paying a few more pence for his lemons while this would be more of an issue to the less prosperous. But building one school in Africa from all this "lemon money" will not really change much at all.My concern is less that Waitrose shopping is pretentious but more that it makes its shoppers self-satisfied. Ultimately Waitrose is just another supermarket chain, a corporation gaining more customers by appealing to their sensibilities. Shopping at Waitrose won't change the world, it won't change any system but it may just give some well-educated, well-intentioned people the excuse they need to carry on as they are. Waitrose Man is most dangerous because of his lost potential. Waitrose Man knows there is much wrong with the world as it is. He knows about Global Warming, poverty and AIDS but when he goes to Waitrose he allows himself to feel good about himself and better than the hoi-polloi who shop in Tescos and elsewhere. He allows himself to become self-satisfied, even intoxicated by the smell of his own farts (see South Park and the Smug Episode involving George Clooney's acceptance speech).
Pigeon-holing yourself or others by the supermarket you shop at is all rather vulgar and shallow in any case. So "Waitrose Man", I promise to stop calling you that if you do something constructive in your life. If you won't, at least don't pretend that shopping at a certain supermarket makes you better than those who don't.

Waitrose Men of the world wake up- you have nothing to loose but your avocadoes!

Favourite Photographer

Link to one of favourite contemporary photographers exhibiting her work on the "Flickr" photoshare site.

This tribute to Magritte is particularly interesting. Follow the profile to see other examples:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/48759603@N00/213106136/

Back in business

After months of "resting" I feel inspired to start posting again. I intend to write less about my office- that is a stable environment, you could say boring, so there is not too much to say.

I plan to write more about from a London point of view on events that influence me in London and my thoughts on the rest of the world.

I have also just installed a basic stat-counter which will hopefully give me some idea if this is of interest to anyone !

Credit to Stat counter for their free service in this http://www.statcounter.com/

Please don't say 10/8!

The London press has unsurprisingly been full of the alleged attempt to blow up 10 trans-Atlantic flights using a combination of Lucozade, hair gel and mobile phones.

It sounds far-fetched but a quick "Google" reveals a whole cook book of Liquid explosive recipes. A lot of the mixtures don't require particularly exotic ingredients, just knowledge of how to mix them in the right proportions and an ability to detonate them. In short, an attempt by a group willing to die probably could be carried out without the need for weapons, conventional explosives or anything else that might be detected by x-rays or metal detectors. In corporate-speak this is called thinking "outside the box" to get a solution. I remember my own boyhood attempts to manufacture chlorine gas in my bedroom using salt water and large batteries attached to charcoal sticks to enable electrolysis of the solution. At a low level I did succeed although I was never able to store the gas successfully! Maybe that was just me ?! However it's probably all to the good that chemistry is so badly taught in most schools in this country.

It's obviously good that this was prevented and full credit to the Police and security services for this. It is also good for the Labour Government's most professional minister, Dr. John Reid who presided over this success.
But please don't establish 10/8 into the vocabulary as the Independent newspaper rather embarrassingly tried to do on its front page today. Thankfully nothing happened. This was a non-event. There was never any intention to carry out the attack on 10/8 but maybe in a few days.
9/11 is accepted into the vocabulary- it is an Americanism but understandable that it became so infamous as a date. Then came the attempt to name the 2004 Madrid attacks, 3/11 (11 March). This never really caught on. 7/7 became accepted in London due to its symmetry. That's probably enough numbers. Thankfully nothing happened on 10/8 (apart from the ongoing wars around the world). So please don't use 10/8 * anyone. Each of the actual attacks has been a tragic event for those involved but don't need reducing to a collection of numbers like some kind of psychotic bingo. It's even worse to start introducing numbers where nothing actually happened. As Ali-G once said on a visit to New York, "Nuff sadness 'bout 7-11"…..

* Strictly speaking it should be 8/10 if we keep to the American date system rather than the English.

Ask not for whom the cake is baked; it is baked for thee

In my office, as in thousands of others across London, the birthdays of colleagues are marked by them buying cakes for the rest of us.

The normal format is an email comes out along the lines of "It is my birthday today- boo hoo another year has passed- there are cakes in the kitchen/at "Sharon's" desk- better get there quick before Kevin eats them all- ho ho".

A couple of these emails recently caused me to think about my own expiring years. First a reaction to an email that warned me that not only I'm getting older but also I'm turning into Ebeneezer Scrooge ! An email came out last week from a guy about his birthday and cakes. Before I knew it, the email had disappeared. All I knew was it was from someone in another team I didn't really know but as a reflex reaction I had deleted it. I then realised that even if I wanted to, I couldn't get a cake and I couldn't wish him a happy birthday as I had destroyed the record of whose birthday it was (very efficiently by emptying my "trash bin" too). Both were unlikely to have happened on a busy day in the office but what was alarming was I had internalised a kind of SPAM filter in my brain. I didn't know this guy, it was just another birthday so without pausing for conscious thought his email was binned. Well, call me Ebeneezer !

The second event was a simpler message but more stark- I am getting old. Not all at once but slowly and irreversibly. An email came out from this secretary who works near me. I thought she was quite young but was briefly shocked when I read she had just celebrated her 18th birthday. 18th ? When it was my 18th, she was 5. No one had heard of Al quaida. John Major was Prime Minister of the UK and Tony Blair hadn't yet become Labour leader. Princess Diana was still alive and even officially married to Prince Charles. Now I realise that wasn't a lifetime ago but a lot has changed in 12 or 13 years and those that were once 5 year olds now handle the phone calls and admin in my office. I am still quite young, relative to the general population of the UK but already there's a whole generation younger than me who have their own identity. Scary- time is going fast.

Lastly at the other end of the spectrum the 90th anniversary of the Somme battle in July was marked by a ceremony attended by WW1 veteran Henry Allingham, aged 110. He appeared on TV at the ceremony in summer heat of the French countryside. Now, there's somebody who has had to handle the emergence of quite a few new generations underneath him. Now he's the only one of his generation left. What would it be like to live so long that every one of your friends died from either old age or other causes ? To be the final survivor of a generation ?

That train you took this morning contained several hundred people. At one point no one who was on that train was born and at another point no one will be left alive. Henry Allingham is the last passenger on his train. He was a soldier at a time when Britian still had an empire and Russia still had a Czar. He lived from that time all the way to the present day.

Henry Allingham has seen generations come and go and still himself remain, for now at least. Yet the cakes keep coming faster; so fast already that I delete their announcements without thinking. But I suppose I should be thankful that there are cakes. Even the cakes will stop one day. In the meantime we all live with the fact we are getting older- ask not for whom the cake is baked; it is baked for thee !

Haig in Edinburgh

This is EARL HAIG in Edinburgh.

I went there recently and enjoyed the clean air and intellectual atmosphere :-)

You know you're having a boring day when..........

you remember Jeremy off "Airport" (one of the first fly on the wall documentaries detailing a day in the life of Heathrow airport) and decide to do a quick "google" while he comes to mind. You're even more bored when you go to Jeremy's home page !

If there's anyone out there interested here is the home page of Jeremy Spake who first became famous for working in an airport......

http://www.jeremyspake.com/

Grass Eaters of the World unite !

Today I took part in the appraisal of one of my "team". I say "took part" as in my current job I am the Gordon Brown to a much older Tony Blair. The analogy doesn't really work as my boss, who I am due to take over from next year, and I get on fine. Also he's around 30 years older than me. The final flaw in the analogy is that our realm extends to a small part of the finance team in a law firm. Neither of us is Prime Minister of anything.

The "appraisee" was a 46 year old man called Barry. He's worked in the firm over 20 years and is understandably rather cynical about his place in the firm and probably the world in general. Nonetheless Barry has a heart under his cynical exterior and it was actually quite a relaxed occasion. No one was pretending the appraisal was a particularly serious event. After all appraisals are designed by HR departments to show that they have a necessary role. There was none of the tension seen in the hilarious episode of "the Office" when David Brent appraised Big Keith who listed one of his personal qualities as "accounts".

Barry is a good worker despite his cynicism so there wasn't really much to say. However there is one project he has been given that is not very clear. It has been given to him from "on high" and relates to something obscure like changing the way we classify our clients. It's tiresome stuff and Barry has been given the job without clear directions. John (aka Tony Blair) concluded "Barry- you've been told to go and do the garden but there's no mower, no sheers, no tools at all. All you can do is try and eat some of the grass". With that John let out a laugh that revealed both an Essex accent and 40 years of smoking. At that point the appraisal ended. The joys of "professional" life.

Darwin's Light Railway

Every day, I travel on the DLR* into work.

I've taken it for almost a year now. When I started, my conception was of a smart clean little railway delivering well behaved yuppies to their corporate towers in Canary Wharf and beyond.

However a year is a long time in London's public transport system and the veneer of civilisation has worn thin. There is little civilisation on the DLR. It is a brutal world where Darwin's theories on the survival of the fittest seem to be played out in daily dramas.
This week I was horrified to watch a heavily pregnant woman forced to stand for 6 stops. The train was fullish and people were either too blind (physically or mentally) to notice her or genuinely couldn't care less.. I was standing in the middle of the carriage some way away. She seemed to be visibly feeling the strain and none of those seated wanted to budge. In 2006 we are not supposed to "judge" anyone. We are the "Vicky Pollard generation" shouting "don't judge me" when anyone criticises us. Only the media can judge and only after they have judged are the rest of us free to give an opinion. Judging is disliked because we know from experience (at least 2000 years' experience) that the judger is not perfect themselves. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" perfectly sums up the root of this view. Well I am as flawed as the next person, but to those who sit dumbly on the DLR while the vulnerable are forced to stand I say "shame on you, shame on you, shame on you, you dumb yuppie brutes".

While I am on the subject on the DLR my other gripes are:

1) Despite its reliability being rated in Mayor Ken's propaganda rags as remarkably high- well into the 90 %s, it is NOT reliable. Breakdowns of some description seem to occur weekly now.
2) It is horribly crowded. In terms of discomfort a morning DLR trip can give the Jubilee line a run for its money any day.
3) In late evening (Friday especially) people treat it as an extension of their front room. Revolting food smells waft along the carriage. Despite the fact a hundred hands have held the supporting bars during the day; people still hold the bar and then pick up a burger that they chew happily.
4) People don't open windows. The air is incredibly stale and its all to easy to pick up a bug on the train.
5) Being of near average height myself, I find tall people a problem in crowded situations. Squeezed together like sardines in a can a tall person cannot help but breathe down on those around. Feeling "nasal blasts" of air on the back of your neck for 15 minutes is not pleasant. Difficult to suggest any practical and humane solutions to this one……
6) General common garden public transport hazards occur on the DLR as elsewhere. These include loud mobile calls, people travelling when they are in the middle of a bad cold or flu (is your job really that important that they can't manage without you?) and breaking wind (you know who you are).

So to those who have not travelled on the DLR and see it as some modern skytrain taking civilised commuters to their high towers in a new city, I have one thing to say- you are not missing much. It is as wild, as unreliable and as unhealthy as the rest of London's public transport. The average wage of its commuters may be a little higher but their behaviour in such circumstances is no better.

This is Darwin's railway where the strong prevail and the weak are in danger. Of course many of those people who sit while the vulnerable stand have done good things in their life. They will continue to do so. Yet when grouped together in public transport, an element of their humanity dies. Darwin would be pleased- we are supposed to be descended from Apes and on the DLR you begin to see the family resemblance.
Lastly, to those of you sitting smugly on the DLR and tutting into your Metro newspapers at the misdeeds of Slobodan Milosevic or some other media monster, I ask you to do one thing- look up and see if any one else needs your seat more than you do. If you don't do this, never mind the "Butcher of Belgrade", you're turning into the "Beast of Beckton"

* For those of you "out of town" the DLR is the Docklands Light Railway that links Central London to the newly developing areas of Docklands and beyond.

Accounting for Life

Link to a moving tale of the life and death of Eugene O'Kelly, CEO of one of the "Big 4" accountancy firms.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,8123-2083997_1,00.html

Having trained as an accountant myself I have heard all the jokes, but this man achieved a rare combination- professional success followed by a real undestanding of life.

The irony is that understanding of life is only reached in the face of death. The unanswered question is did his devotion to career delay his understanding of life ? As someone given to cynism about "careers" as distinct from "lives", I actually don't believe he wasted his life. He achieved what he wanted to do and then at the end understood more than many others ever do.
If he had been a professor of philosophy, a cafe waiter or sold souvenirs on the beach he may or may not have gained this understanding earlier or not at all.

But business and life do differ in one way- there's no accounting for life.

RIP Eugene O'Kelly

Canadian Cafe

To all those who have worked for a bad boss- here is some inspiration from Canada.
http://www.beyondrobson.com/city/2006/02/mutiny_at_the_cafe/
Made me smile anyway..................